The apology Masser should have given

Dear Fellow Trustees,

Look, I never wanted to be your vice president in the first place. But we screwed up so royally in November that Karen and I were the only people with enough credibility left to take these leadership roles, and that’s only because nobody knew anything about us. So here I am, doing the best I can to turn you yahoos into a group that people can trust again.

I’m not used to reporters calling about stuff we do. Until November, nobody gave a crap about anything we did anyway. So when the AP reporter called me about newly uncovered evidence last weekend, I did what any other normal person would have done: I answered his question to the best of my knowledge. After all, that’s what open, honest and transparent public officials are supposed to do.

And I really thought we were all on the same page. That SOB Spanier lied to us in May when he told us he didn’t know anything about Sandusky having his way with little boys in one of our locker rooms. The he screwed us again in November when he told us nobody did anything wrong. But last week we found those emails and a file that proves Graham and his cronies knew all about Sandusky, but decided to keep it from the cops and from us.

Most people think we don’t know what’s in those emails and that file. But thank God Louis made copies and gave them to Ken. Man, our alumni are stupid. They actually think we just handed them over to the cops without taking a peek ourselves! Morons!

Duh, there was a cover-up. But before we state the obvious, I realize that we need to wait for Louis to compile his carefully crafted document that in no way looks like it was shepherded along by Ken. Nobody will believe a word of it anyway, but that’s about the closest thing to legitimacy that they’re gonna get. And then we all can go back to not giving a rat’s ass about what people think of us.

So please, accept my apology for this moment of weakness. We need to speak with one voice on behalf of the university, as we’ve done for generations. Yeah, I know that’s partly how we got ourselves into this dark hole of resentment. But dissent and debate only causes problems and makes us look bad. Well, not any worse than we look now, but you get what I’m talking about.

Ok, I’m gonna get back to work now. These fields ain’t gonna plow themselves ya know. TTYL!

Keith

P.S. Karen, give me a call and let me know what Ed, Steve and John want me to say next.